Sakit lagi..

Balqis demam lagi.


Sigh.


And I am so depressed.


Tired, depressed = bad mother.


Semalam tak pasal aku marah dia. Budak sakit, aku marah. Bodoh tak.


I slept at 2 am and woke up at 4 am. In between adalah dekat 6-7 kali dia kejut aku. Nak itu, nak ini.


By the time 4 am tu she said sejuk.


Aku mcm dah pening tahap mabuk and said tanpa sedar aku marah dia. Dah la marah, aku masuk balik bilik and konon nak tidur.


Then I kenot sleep, and I thought t myself. apa ke bodonyer kau konot.. anak tak sihat tu kau nak marah apesal...


So I went back to her room and gave her more selimut.


Prior to that, dah setel muntah 4-5 kali, dah setel makan ubat.


Aku pun tak paham apesal aku nak marah.


Tapi aku marah. tapi aku bukan marah kat Balqis. I'm just mad. At things. At situation.


Dah la penat nak ulang komplen benda yang sama.


I apologized to Balqis this morning. Rasa bersalah sangat. Panas ya amat badan dia.

Tak tahu mcm mana nak describe but this is exactly how I feel most of the times.

Some other times, ada jugak rasa nak terjun bangunan. Kalau tak fikir iman, hmmm.....

But most of the times aku selalu terfikir nak ambik antidepressent. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) tak de jual kat farmasi. Kena dapat prescription from dokter. 

I'm at stage where I just wanna forget my problems. Biar la temporary pun.


Dear Balqis,

You must think of me as a horrible mother. I don't know how else to say sorry. If there's a way to trade places, I would.


:(