how to stop/prevent tantrums

no..i'm not offering any good advice.. i'm asking for HELP!

sigh...

sometimes i feel like banging my head to the wall. no, not sometimes. ALL THE TIME!
sometimes aku rasa nak jerit kuat2 bagi lepas beban dlm dada. most of the time lepas jerit, the satisfaction only for couple of seconds. puas hati kan dpt jerit.. tapi lepas tu, berhari2 aku menyesal and rasa bersalah.

:(

i know, the theoretical ways to stop and prevent tantrums. been reading it. been asking around for advice, been told to be consistent, persistent, sabar, strict, yada yada.. but.. but.. when the time comes, aku mcm hilang kawalan, hilang akal, hilang sabar and emotion menghantui.. maka transform lah aku jadi incredible hulk and tak berapa nak hulk :(

aku ingat bila dia dah besar sikit, when her communication skill gets better, the tantrum makin kurang. ni tidak, makin besar, makin cepat mengada (tu satu hal) and makin cepat marah. makin hari, ada je perangai baru yg buat aku jadi  naik hantu.

yesterday, we were at bicycle shop, kat luar tgh tunggu org repair basikal. dia tunjuk air yg balqis tgh pegang and cakap "nak". so balqis hulur kat dia, and tetiba dia tepis sambil memekik, as tho balqis bagi benda yg salah.

tak cukup terpekik kat situ, dia duduk atas lantai,campak aiskrim yg ada kat tgn dia atas lantai, and began to mengamuk.

tak cukup lagiiiiiiiiiiiii.. dia baring pulak atas lantai, and buat kuak lentang sapu satu lantai dgn tangan and kaki dia...

dia buat semua ni sambil terpekik terlolong dgn tahap volume maksima mcm kan aku ni tgh marah dia. plus kat situ mmg ramai giler org tgh lalu lalang (koridor kaki lima shoplot) and bayangkan la betapa kotor kat situ dgn basikal bersepah sana sini.

i & balqis did not even bersuara sepatah pun sblm tu nak marah ke, tak bagi apa dia nak ke..tu yg kitorang terkejut sgt kenapa tetiba dia jadi mcm tu?

well you get my idea lah kan.. wat kindda things she is capable to do.

i am beyond marah. i am beyond frustration.

mr p just ambik dia and suruh aku duduk dlm kereta dgn dia. dlm kereta dia buat lagi perangai tak habis2 terpekik (literally pekik.. mcm jerit dgn suara high pitch, right into gegendang telinga kauuuu) and menggelupur.

sometimes, aku sampai mcm terfikir.. anak aku ni kena sampuk ke apa? or is it ada some kindda disease? eh? possible?

well anyway...

masuk kereta, dgn dia tak habis2 menjerit, aku pun naik hantu and jerit balik kat dia suruh diam.

ohhh you dowanna know mcm mana aku jerit.

part of me feels, i need to jerit cause i need to let out. i need to jerit cause i need to prevent myself from hitting her.

now, i know.. what i did was wrong. i should not have yelled back at her. like i said.. puas hatinyer 1-2 seconds je... but bila tgk balik  muka dia tgh sedu2 tahan nangis, aku menyesal. mlm tadi, bila tgk muka dia tgh tidur, aku sedih. now, bila jauh from her, lagi la aku sedih.

sometimes i am questioning my capability as a mother.

is this normal ke or mmg aku tak tau jaga anak eh?

gambar sebelum kejadian

sigh... cemaner la aku boleh jerit kat budak comel cenggini kan?

sorry baby :(