Learning to let go..

Aku ni asyik la sedih semenjak dua menjak.. is it just me or memang orang sekeliling eh?

First it was kak ani and the canada thing..
Now... my balqis..

Last week she told me she wanted to tidur with her abah.

I, despite my half willingness to kasik.. terkeluar jugak from mulut aku (and i think partly from other half tak willing nak kasik).. I told her “kan ada makan2 kat rumah mak long..”

And surprisingly she said ”ma ni.. asal kak qis nak jumpa abah.. adaaaa je plan”

Terkejut aku, u know.. mana belajar cakap mcm tu…

Aku sedih.. pasal number one… aku tak pernah langsung halang dia from jumpa dgn abahnyer.. really.. like never!! So how can she even accused me mcm tu?

And number two.. well I guess most of you pun should know.. its my stupid fear that she will love her abah more than she loves me..

I feel so stupid.. even admitting it pun make me feel so stupid…

No matter how much I know that is not true.. (err.. I hope) tapi cant help but to have the fear…. But of course.. tak boleh la nak di ikutkan perasaan yang bengong tu sgt.. sampai bila kan? Have to learn to let go…

I was so sedih… pasal aku rasa mcm budak ni one day akan tinggalkan aku ke?
Will dia, one day nanti, akan mintak nak tinggal dgn abah dia?
Tu lah yang aku paling takut sekali.

Kak yah, my sister.. well dia pun divorcee jugak dulu. Now dah remarried. Aisha, her daughter tu mmg custody dgn kak yah, but budak tu dah besar (11 y.o) and she can think oredi.

Kak yah, selama bertahun2 jadik single parent, mmg keje bagai nak rak kumpul duit to sustain their life, and especially to provide good education for Aisha.. all these WITHOUT her ex husband punya financial aid.

Then now.. bila budak tu dah besar.. dia (aisha) sendiri dah pandai mintak2 nak tinggal lama sikit dgn papa dia.. nak itu nak ini dgn papa.. and pernah sekali Aisha mentioned to kak yah “I want to stay with papa”

Sedih mmg sedih.. kak yah kata, we just have to learn to let go. Budak2 takkan ingat our jerit perih, pengorbanan masa diorang kecik2 ni. And kita pun being a matured adult, takkan nak ngungkit pulak kan?

While they.. the ex-husbands.. just datang, and complete the last piece of puzzle, and tudiaaaa… mcm diorang lah yang menjaga anak2 selama ni… diorang lah yang paling best and parent yang paling elok…

Get what I mean?

Aku pun tak de nyer nak ngungkit2 balik what I did for balqis masa aku single mingle tongle dulu… aku cuma fikir, that is my responsibility as a parent, aku sayang anak aku and I want the best for her.

Kalau dia ingat and kenang.. alhamdulillah. Else, kalau dah besar esok dia cari jugak bapak dia.. aku cuma mintak.. dia jangan lupa aku. Jaga aku bila aku tua nanti.. doakan aku bila aku dah tak de nanti.. jaga daddy dia.. jaga sofeya adik dia… tu jer aku mintak.

Bukan aku tak mau kasik jumpa abah dia langsung. I am not that mean, am not that stupid. Mcm mana sekali pun, I know that is her father. Esok2 dah besar nak kawin pun, cari abah dia jugak.

So no.. I don’t and never intend to separate them pun..

Kak yah pernah mention kat aku.. dia dulu reluctant nak kawin lagi pasal dia cuma fikir nak besarkan anak je.. then a friend of hers said.. one day anak akan grow up, and they will leave you.. kita kena ready to let go.

Which the same point yang kak ani pun pernah cakap kat aku. Jangan halang2 sgt anak2 ni. And jgn mengharap sgt anak2 nak duduk je dgn kita, nak jaga bila kita tua. Sbb kalau tak.. kita sendiri will get hurt.

So back to balqis...

Yeah.. i am learning to let go. Dulu.. even the thoughts of balqis spending the night with her abah can make me sad.. tu belum masuk aku terfikir birthdays with abah.. raya with abah… memang konfem banjir melawati dik nonnn…

Now.. I think finally aku grow mature sket kot. Tipu lah kan kalau aku kata aku tak sedih mlm tu. tgk gambar balqis kat henfon pun aku nangis.. but overall I think I was okay. In fact, balqis sendiri yang tak mau dah tidur dgn abahnya sbb rindu kat aku..

Oh well.. kalau korang ingat aku akan happy and gelak my evil laugh bila balqis mcm tu.. well.. you are 10% correct lah.. :p

Pasal I kindda feel okay pulak.. and furthermore, our relationship semnejak dua menjak ni (aku and her abah) is okay.. so I don’t mind actually.. balqis spending a bit more time with the father.. tapi, kalau dia tanak.. aku takkan paksa..

So I told mr p.. that kita kena start to let go. We hv to start preparing for alternate birthdays, alternate rayas, alternate fathers days.. etc..

Itu pun.. kalau balqis sendiri yang nak.. we wont halang or paksa..

Aku sedih.. and takut of losing her..
So now… I am indeed facing the consequences of my decision…
and I am learning to let go..