Aku sedih ni..

ni bukan PMS.. ni betul2 punya emosi.

semlm balqis saw my old wedding photo. gambo kawin aku dgn abah dia. aku pun terkejut mana dia dpt. pasal sekeping pun aku tak pernah simpan. rupa2nya kak ani was cleaning up her house, and dok bagi balik gambar2 lama aku.

then i noticed balqis mcm dok staring and the photo lama2, and nampak mcm sedih. so i asked her "r u sad" and she said "yes... i wish i am still a baby so u and abah are still together"

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aku terkedu. sedih. tak tahu la nak react mcm mana. it was such an emotional moment. how would u expect me to react? i just pulled her close to me and hugged her and asked "arent u happy now?" she geleng-ed her kepala and said "i miss abah"

sigh.

told mr p about it and asked him to pujuk her. he hugged her and said "if u miss yr abah u call him lah... u can go and se him whenever u want, mama daddy tak marah.."

then i sms-ed the abah.. and he agreed to pick her up this saturday.

well at least that cheered the girl up a bit. then masa nak tido she kept asking me how was it like masa dia baby dulu, how was it like masa i and the abah are still together.

sigh
sigh
sigh

then earlier semlm, we were watching this  malay movie, si maknyer dah marah sgt dgn anak sampai dia tak ngaku anak and halau the anak kuar rumah. then balqis asked

balqis : ma.. mmg gitu ke?
me : apanyer?
balqis : klu buat jahat nanti mama halau kak qis kuar jugak ke?
me : tak lahhhh.. i will never halau u keluar.. i love u kan?
balqis : no matter what i do?
me : tgk lah.. kalau naughty sgt u get outta house!!!! heheheh (jokingly.. of course!)
balqis : and then i'll go to abah!
me : heh?
balqis : ye la ma dah halau kak qis, i go stay with abah lah.

errm...

aku risau. aku takut someday she will leave me. mr p said i have to be open and willing to let go. the time will come where she will ask to spend more time with the abah, maybe to spend her raya, her birthday, vacation with abah. mr p said aku tak boleh sedih2 sgt klu balqis not with us, pasal nanti kesian kat anak2 yang lain.

i know i still have sofeya (and maybe more in future). but sofeya is sofeya and balqis is balqis. kalau balqis tak de, the empty space in my heart will still be empty. mcm tu jugak dgn sofeya.

i just kenot imagine my raya without balqis, her birthday without her around, going vacation without her. tak boleh.. kenot. aku nak nangis.

balqis sayang mama tak?

balqis jgn tinggal mama ye?

:(